Are You Proud, America?

I’ve never known what to feel on the 4th of July. I remember wondering early on what was so special about being an American. Long before I had any opinion or knowledge of politics, governments, armed conflicts, or American history, I asked myself, “what’s so special about America?”. While I acknowledge, I had the privilege to play dumb to those things for far longer than most, I still have never felt a deep connection to an American identity. I would wear the Old Navy flag shirt each year, go to the parades, eat BBQ, and shoot fireworks, but it was always an excuse to have a good time, and it never really connected with me what it means to be American.

As I got older and our government’s workings, political platforms and our country's troubled history came more into focus for me, I slowly began to understand what it meant to call myself an American, and it wasn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy experience. I began to realize that my identity as an American aligned me with the history and values of this place. There were certainly some positive values, freedom, justice, the pursuit of happiness, that I felt I could get behind, but as I tried to align myself with an American view of those values, I always found myself standing a few feet to one side. Of course, I believe in freedom, but many Americans haven’t always been free from the oppression of their own country, and many feel they still aren’t. Of course I believe in justice, but many Americans have sought justice at the feet of their country’s justice system and been grossly mistreated, or worse, denied justice all together. Of course I believe in the pursuit of happiness, but many Americans can’t walk out their door or watch their TV without being reminded why their country doesn’t want them here. I realized that the American ideals were not what they seemed, but rather were empty boxes wrapped in a star-spangled banner and delivered by the powerful to the powerless. A gift that serves only to give false hope to many Americans who do not fit the description of who our Founding Fathers deemed “men” who are “created equal.”

At this point, I imagine many will think “Wow, what an ungrateful millennial, he doesn’t understand what has been sacrificed on his behalf,” or “This poor kid has been brainwashed by the left to hate his own country.” The former is true and the latter is not. I don’t have any understanding of what it must take to go to war. I know I do not have the mental or physical capacity to endure the hardships of being a soldier. My grandfathers were both veterans, my uncles are veterans, I have many acquaintances who serve, and I have spent a good bit of reflection wondering at what they have had to go through. I cannot fathom what war must be like. Therefore, I have a deep respect for those who feel a calling to go, fight, and defend me and the freedoms I enjoy. At the same time, I have seen and heard the way some soldiers think about and treat their fellow human beings - those labeled as enemies, and those who may be aligned with them - as subhuman. I have watched soldiers and veterans make light of killing and chuckle at the fear they cause in those who they perceive as weaker, and while I cannot imagine what it must take to cope with the horrors of armed conflict, I have to imagine that many of our servicemen (and possibly women) are the products of an American society that expects violence from its boys and its men. I grew up with toy guns. I would take aim and pretend to shoot my mom, or my dad, or my brother as part of some sick game. It is not hard for me to see that many who grew up like me are motivated by deep seeded violence disguised as duty. For those military members out there for whom that is not true, I would hope I would be able to see that in your words and deeds. Even so, American violence has provided opportunities to me that may not otherwise be possible, but I cannot be proud that other people had to die, that violence and hate had to be sown, so that I could be free.

Can I just say, this left and right stuff is bullshit. We have to listen to people’s words. We have to hear what people are saying. We have to think about it and how it does and does not align with our perspective, more importantly with facts, and only after we have done all of that, should we say I agree, or I disagree in a way that honors the humanity of the other. If you label someone or some group “the left” or “the right” then you have immediately dehumanized them and assigned your own assumptions to anything they might say or do. You are not arguing with “the left” or “the right” you are arguing with your own skewed perception, a straw man of built on the false assumption of who that living, breathing, feeling, person might really be. This is about left or right. It’s about right and wrong, and it’s based on facts.

Despite how history and current events show that our country mistreats so many millions (billions maybe) of people on our planet, I don’t hate America. In fact, as I’ve grown to understand my American identity, I have been surprised at how much I love America. While I used to think I was indifferent about politics and the goings-on in Washington D.C., I have since experienced some of the my most impassioned and deeply moving convictions hearing stories of how the “American Dream” has fallen short for so many. I realized I would not care so much if I didn’t feel some sort of deep connection to this place and what it means for me and so many people. Still, for all that love and care is worth, I’m not proud to be an American. How can I be proud to be an American when men, women, and many, many children are being treated like animals for the crime of pursuing the happiness and freedom that we Americans love to broadcast that we enjoy? How can I be proud to be an American when a fellow American sheds light on our country’s laundry list of past and present atrocities and is immediately attacked, harassed, humiliated, and discredited because of her political leanings? How can I be proud to be an American when millions of Americans condemn millions of other Americans whose ideas of freedom, happiness, and love don’t look the same as their own? Am I grateful for America, for the opportunity to live here and claim my rights and freedoms, to write what I believe and post it on the internet with nothing to fear but a few hurled insults and angry acquaintances? Of course I’m grateful. I am not proud. I do not love what America is right now, or what it has been in the past. On the 4th of July, I celebrated to express my gratitude, but I won’t celebrate what this country is, or how it takes takes advantage of people and their lives, both foreign and domestic. I celebrate what this country could be. I celebrate people, patriots, like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Colin Kaepernick, or Christine Blasey Ford (reflect for a second on your reaction to those names, what did you just assume about me, or what judgments did you just choose to believe about them?) who love this country so much that they are putting their own lives, egos, and well-being aside so that they can speak out against what is wrong and push our country to be what it says it should be for everyone. I celebrate patriots like my frie

nds of color who have endured centuries of oppression, aggression, physical and mental enslavement, dehumanization, and murder, and yet still find the strength to seize joy and strive for a better life and a better America. I celebrate patriots like my queer friends who have been met with nothing but hate at the hands of our country, their families, their religions, and have responded with more and deeper love. I celebrate every patriot who America has and continues to fail, who stands up and says “I am an American, and I will fight until America looks like me.” Those people are the reason I wear the red, white, and blue on the 4th of July.

It doesn’t take bravery or strength or sacrifice to do what has always been done, to stick to the status quo. Those who sit stubbornly on their American values, who claim that because the American system has worked for them that it isn’t broken, are not patriots. Those who sit on the sidelines content to let others speak up for them or deny that they have any responsibility for the suffering of others at the hands of their country are not patriots. History doesn’t remember those people. It remembers the people who stood up for what was right against all odds, and made this country a little bit better than it was. So before you consider yourself patriotic on this 4th of July, ask yourself what you are doing to help other people, other Americans specifically, pursue freedom, justice, and happiness. Before you claim you’re an American and not a bigot, racist, sexist, xenophobe, or homophobe, ask yourself who you think is deserving of freedom, justice, and happiness. Who do they look like? Before you scoff at someone who is criticizing our country, ask yourself “do I love my country enough to be so bold when I feel it is broken?” I am not always proud of my answer to these questions, so I cannot be proud to be an American. Can you?

I would love to know what your experience has been like as an American. Are you proud? Why or why not? How can America be better? Comment or shoot me an email with your thoughts.