Liminal Space

“Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand." "Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.” - Christopher Paolini, Eragon

Don't worry, I'm still here. My blogging has been non-existent of late, but strangely, so have my dreams.

That seems to be the strange thing about dreams: they don't tend to show up when you are looking for them. As soon as I started writing down my dreams, they became more disjointed, unmemorable, and surprisingly nightmarish. I think there are a few reasons, that I will touch on, but their elusiveness leads me to believe that dreams (at least dreams we might desire to have) are not meant to be obtained. Allow me to explain.

Part of the reason I haven't been posting blogs is because I've been spending most of my free time writing elsewhere. I have begun writing my first novel. I haven't posted any of it on the blog, partially because I haven't decided how I feel about sharing details of it publicly, and partially because I've been inconsistent in finding time to work on it.

Another reason is that when I'm not writing (or going to school, applying for jobs, working, or having a life), I'm reading. I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on in an attempt to learn from published writers and find inspiration for my own ideas. Most recently, I re-read Christopher Paolini's Eragon, part for nostalgia, part to learn how a 17 year old writes a best selling fantasy series. Unsurprisingly, I ended up connecting deeply in some ways with the main character, Eragon.

If you don't know, Eragon, a modest, orphan farm boy finds a dragon egg which hatches, bonding him permanently to the dragon inside (Saphira), and establishing him as the next in the line of the long extinct but once all-powerful dragon riders (think Jedi, but instead of wielding lightsabers, they ride dragons). Eragon's dreams (literally and figuratively) are filled with images of himself growing to immense power, vanquishing the evil king, and becoming the most powerful being in the land. What he quickly comes to realize is that not even a dragon and new magical powers come free of hard work, pain, and a life of uncertainty. He knows what he is expected to become and who he wants to be, but the road to those outcomes, and ultimately the outcomes themselves, will inevitably be unpredictable. He has to deal with the liminal space, the anxious in between.

Like Eragon, I'm learning how to live in the liminal space. My grad school experience has been nothing short of worthwhile and impactful, but if I have learned anything through this process, it is that I have no bearing on where I will end up or what it might take to get there. As I apply for jobs and await responses from potential employers, I am unceasingly conscious of the approach of graduation day. It is quite humbling and anxiety inducing (hence the nightmares, restless sleep, and fewer dreams) to think that in less than a month, I may have an entirely different life, but at the moment, I have no idea what that life might be.

And then, there are dreams. My dreams come in the form of ideas. I've recently started writing down my ideas so that I will remember them when, and if, the opportunity comes to actualize them. I currently have a list that contains business ventures, stories to write, and abstract ideas that I didn't have time to think about at the time. Some of them I have more ability to control than others, and maybe some of them will take shape, but the reality is, I can't know what pursuing any one dream might hold. I have been fortunate during my time in Athens to be surrounded by some incredibly creative, passionate, and motivated people who are pursuing some amazing dreams, and like Brom, Eragon's friend and wise mentor, these people have been teaching me that I don't have it all together...and that's the way it should be.

Lately, when I think about my life, my dreams, my interests, and my friends, I realize that liminality is the reality of our journeys here on Earth. We may use our experiences or our dreams to set goals for ourselves, an end point, but the road to achieving those goals will look different than we ever imagined, and by the time we get there our eyes will be set on another goal. Another dream. Another far off point separated by more liminal space. Though I am realizing that I may never truly capture the dreams I am after, I can push into the liminal space and discover that part of the beauty of the dream is that you weren't expecting it in the first place.

#creativity #writing #liminalspace #Eragon